Most mornings in our house start with tears-sometimes mine, sometimes my child’s. My 14-year-old should be getting ready for school, laughing with friends, thinking about GCSEs and futures. Instead, we start every day in a battle I never wanted and can’t seem to win.
My child can’t face school. Not WON’T, can’t. That’s an important difference that people don’t always see.
From the outside, it probably looks like I’m being too soft, too lenient, not setting enough boundaries. I’ve heard it all — “you just need to make them go”, “take their phone away”, “you’re the parent, be firm”. I wish it were that simple. Believe me, if I could “just make them go”, I would.
What you don’t see are the meltdowns that come before the school bell even rings. The panic attacks, the shaking, the begging not to go, the complete emotional shutdowns that leave both of us exhausted and broken before 9am.
It’s not defiance. It’s distress.
I’ve suspected for a long time that my child is neurodiverse — possibly autistic or ADHD — but getting an assessment feels like climbing a mountain barefoot. Waiting lists are long, the process confusing, and support at school feels patchy at best. As a single mum, I feel like I’m constantly fighting – for understanding, for adjustments, for someone to actually LISTEN.
People assume school refusal is about laziness or bad parenting. It’s not. It’s about a child who’s overwhelmed, anxious, and doesn’t feel safe in that environment. And it’s about a parent trying to hold everything together while feeling judged by the very people she hoped would help.
Some days I feel invisible. The world keeps turning, people talk about attendance rates and “tough love”, and I’m just here trying to coax a scared teenager out from under a blanket.
I’m not asking for sympathy. I’m asking for understanding. For people to realise that behind every “school refuser” is a story, a reason, a family doing their absolute best with very little support.
If you see a parent like me – tired eyes, late again, apologising too much – please don’t judge. Maybe offer a smile, a bit of patience, a “you’re doing your best”. Because sometimes, that’s all we’ve got to hold onto.
For anyone else going through this, you’re not alone. There are more of us out here than people realise, quietly fighting battles before the school day even begins.
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